She was born the same day I was.
She was welcomed by the same outstretching arms and embraced by the same handmade soft cover.
She was a very sensitive little gremlin.
I was a very sensitive little girl.
She had this very special intuition, a kind of superpower really. She could tell exactly what others wanted from her. She was so good at it that she didn’t even need to close her eyes or guess or I don’t know what. She just knew.
I just needed to be loved. But I was not so good at it.
She liked me. Really a lot. Sometimes she would whisper into my ears. She would tell me what to do so that I would be loved more.
I liked her. Really a lot. I felt we were one. She helped me understand. She helped me feel less lonely. She was there for me. We would talk for hours, just the two of us.
Time does what time usually does. It waits a moment, and then it’s gone.
The little gremlin is not so little anymore. She is even better at knowing how to behave. She is confident and strong and knows what she wants. She is not that cute anymore either. But that’s ok. All she wants is to protect the little girl because she is little and weak and so insecure. She knows how to help. She is there to protect.
I don’t know what I am. I just feel. Lonely. Wrong. Insecure. Inadequate. I do all she tells me, and it’s never enough. I wish I could stop. But I cannot. Whenever I try my heart hurts more than I can take.
You are too little. You are too weak.
I know. I'm too little. I’m too weak.
Let me. I know what to do.
I shiver. I crumble. I hide in a safe cozy little cocoon. Hidden away.
I let her.
......
It took me two decades to peek out of that cocoon.
From the outside, I looked ok. Whatever ok means.
Maybe a little weird. Whatever weird means.
But I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m not lonely anymore. I don’t feel wrong anymore.
I choose who I want to be.
Today, I am.
The little gremlin transformed.
She doesn't look like a gremlin anymore... she is mostly light. She is as free as a bird in the sky.
She knows what it means to feel loved.
She likes that.